Oh, Think Twice, It's Just Another Day for You and Me in Paradise

Paris

Ile-de-France, France

This post is dedicated to Oscar

This story begins in a supermarket in Monmatre, Paris. Our Hero, escaping the drizzle outside, stands patiently in line at the QuickEat counter. Oh, the choices. What to eat? Une Baguette? Une Croissant? Un Croque Monsieur...?

"J'ai faim, monsieur."

The timid voice comes from a young, inward man of around twenty-five years. He's hungry. But there's a problem. So is Our Hero.

"Mais non, désolé."

But he's not the only one to turn down this Hungry Soul. Will no one stop to give him some spare change? It seems not.

Une Croque Madame? Un... Finally, Our Hero decides upon Pizza-Baguette. Valiantly, he asks for it to be cut in two, and offers one half to the Hungry Soul.

"Non merci. I don't eat crap."

Apparently, beggars can be choosers.

What's the Buzz? Tell Me What's Happening

London

England, UK

Once again, I've outdone myself in the don't-post-for-months-at-a-time stakes. So let's get up to date.

Edinburgh ¦ Scotland, UK

I spent a few weeks in Edinburgh, where the highlight (nay, pretty much everything I did) was the Edinburgh Festival. Now, they call it the Festival - singular - but it's actually a whole collection of festivals crammed into August. There's the original International Festival (think Sydney Festival and Carnivalé). Then, there's also the EFF - the film festival, the EIBF - the book festival, the Mela - a festival of cultures and the Edinburgh Tattoo - a spectacular military to-do of marching bands, horses, dancers, motorcycles and anything else that might look impressive on the forecourt of Edinburgh Castle.

And then there's the grand-daddy of them all, the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. 'Fringe' is a misnomer. This has grown into the main event. It's drama, it's comedy theatre, it's stand-up, it's music, it's experimental, it's impressive. This year there were 2,050 shows to choose from, some of them running every night of the festival (30 nights). Incredible. Of course, with that many shows on, there's going to be some rubbish - it's unavoidable. But there was some brilliant stuff too. Of all the shows I saw, two stand-outs were Chaplin, a one-man show about later-life Charles Chaplin's struggle with his alter-ego Charlie; and Something Blue an all-female clowning show (and we're talking the full-gamut of clowning - comedy, tragedy, physical theatre, mime).

Oh, and if you ever get a chance to go to the Tattoo, do it.

Aberdeen ¦ Scotland, UK

Lake District, Newcastle, Leeds, York, Cambridge, Surrey, Birmingham, Stratford-upon-Avon ¦ England, UK

London ¦ England, UK

I'm back in London now, sitting in a £0.50/hour Internet cafe on Tottenham Court Road. The woman next to me just screamed and jumped up onto her chair. Most likely because of the rat that's running around in here somewhere. I guess you get what you pay for.

It's Summertime But I Still Miss Your Skies So Clear

Edinburgh, Scotland

UK

This, from page 11 of today's Edinburgh Metro:

Scotland was the hottest spot in Britain yesterday – almost eclipsing the country's warmest day of the year. […] Renfrewshire saw the mercury soar with a temperature of 25.4C recorded at 4pm.

Never have I witnessed such frivolous misuse of the word "soar".

I Am Everyday People

Ballintoy, Northern Ireland

UK

I've noticed something about travelling in Ireland. You don't meet any Irish people. Correction: you don't meet any young Irish people. You do, however, meet some real characters amongst the older generations...

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Brendan ¦ Galway, County Galway

My German friend, Marlene, was making a video of her trip. A video diary of sorts. I was interviewing Brendan for the video, just talking to him about life, Guinness, Ireland, the price of Teletubbies DVDs in Dubai - just the usual stuff. As we wrapped up, Marlene asked, "Finally, do you have anything to say to Germany before we go?"

"Well," he began. "I think Germany has a LOT to answer for".

Always a good way to begin a 10-minute diatribe.

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Billy ¦ Anascaul, County Kerry

I met Billy in a pub. He threatened to punch me in the face. Why? He said I was being a smartarse. I was. But honestly, I didn't think he could understand a word I said (I could barely understand him). I later found him asleep in a bar. I think I'm safe.

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Des ¦ Ballintoy, County Antrim

Myself and my new Israeli friend, Guy, travelled to a small town by the name of Ballintoy.

Sitting in a pub one night, we got talking to a thickly-accented Northern Irish bloke named Desmond. He was softly spoken, and difficult to understand, but we had a drink with him. Later, he took Guy for a tour of the town (which included a visit to the world's smallest church and a visit to Des's house for a drink with his wife and kids).

Back at the pub, Des decided to share a little secret with us.

"Don't tell anyone, but, I'm a taxi driver and I'm supposed to be on a job right now, ha ha ha. But I'm drunk."

Ah, the Irish.

Next day, I consulted with Seamus, our hostellier, as to how to get to the train station to make our 9.20am train from Colraine back to Belfast. The problem was that the Irish transport system is so well integrated that the only bus running that morning got us to Colraine at 9.28am.

"Leave it to me," said Seamus. "I know a guy who's kind of an unofficial taxi driver round these parts."

What's his name? Not Des is it?

"Yeah, Des. Ah you can't stay two minutes in this town without meeting Dezzy."

Grrrreat. Anyhow, aside from the fact that he arrived 12 hours early ("Oh, 7.15 in the morning?"), the ride went smoothly, and we made it to Belfast in time for our ferry to Scotland.

When I Close My Eyes, You're Everywhere

Belfast, Northern Ireland

UK

Now, since I've been travelling, I've learnt to sleep through just about anything. Trains, loud music, too-short beds, noisy beds, people eating breakfast, people stepping on me and, of course, snoring.

I'll admit that, from time to time, I snore myself. I'm sure it can't be all that pleasant for those around me, but at the same time if I can have a fairly restful night despite the 10 people snoring (and talking and grinding teeth and whatever else) in a 15-bed dorm, then so can you.

But there comes a point when you just should not sleep in share accommodation, and should also probably seek medical and social help. And possibly a personal bodyguard.

Enter Exhibit A. A small (perhaps a little portly), softly spoken Englishman, asleep on the bed above mine. Almost immediately after everyone (six of us) have gone to bed, this guy begins to rumble, it's fairly soft and a little rhythmic even. Gently does it. Not a problem thinks I, who can sleep through anything.

And then it stops, as quickly as it started. Nice. I start to drift off.

HOLY SHIT WHAT WAS THAT? I'm disoriented as I sit bolt-upright in bed. Did a wall of the hostel collapse? Was a missile launched at the nearby police station? Did I explode?

Alas, all seems fine, so I lie back in bed. That's when I notice that the gentleman above me seems to be struggling to take a breath. When he finally does, the entire bed trembles.

This is honestly the worst snoring I have ever, ever experienced. It was inconsistent, it started and stopped. He struggled and then would all of a sudden let out a giant gasp and an enormous drum-roll of a snort. It was thunderous. It sounded like the guy was dying up there. And no amount of poking or prodding would wake him up. In fact the only thing that disturbed him seemed to he once or twice when his own snoring actually seemed to frighten him.

In the morning, after I'd had maybe three hours discontinuous sleep, he was gone.

What Shall We Do With the Drunken Sailor?

Anascaul and Killarney, County Kerry

Republic of Ireland

Captain's Log
Stardate: 31.07.2007

Our party happened upon a town in between Galway and Killarney, known by locals and visitors alike as Anascaul. Now, Anascaul is famous for two things. Actually, to say that Anascaul is famous for anything is a bit of a stretch. But if it were famous, it would be famous for the fact that, in a region of only 600 people, the main (and only) street of Anascaul boasts six pubs. It might also be famous for its bright green pub, The Randy Leprechaun.

Having dropped in - all the way from Australia, mind - at local boy Paul's 21st to wish him a happy birthday, our 6-pub voyage continued up the road. Here, I met Billy - a fisherman from Belfast. Billy was drunk; this was immediately apparent. He had travelled to the South, so far as I could tell, to see how shite it was.

"See, the South is pretty much a Third World country, like. It's just shit. I love Australia though - it's great. Southern Ireland is just a joke."

I was curious. Why, then, was he here?

"Likeforexample," he slurred. "They don't even have air conditioning."

My house doesn't have aircon. Is my house a Third World country?

"No-but, they're just backwards is all. It's shit. It's honestly shit. They just settle for whatever."

I wasn't in the mood to argue with an incoherent man, and honestly I really wanted him to walk away so I could go back to my conversation. So I changed the subject and told him that my dad invented Vegemite Pop-Tarts. He thought this was great at first, but then he rounded on me.

"Mate. Don'be a wise-arse. That won' wash here, mate. Keep that up and I'll crack you in the face. I mean it. Serioushly, d'yawanme to punch your face in?"

"Go away," I thought.

But again, in no mood to mess with a large, drunk, Northern Irish man with a chip on his shoulder, I apologised, made my excuses, and left the pub.

I later saw Billy sitting alone in another watering-hole. He looked lonely, and I almost wanted to go and say hi. But that would have been stupid, so I didn't. Later, I saw him slumped, asleep, over the bar.

Let's Clean It Up

London, England

UK

07.07.07
Live Earth, accross 5 continents. My location: London. After my initial disappointment of missing out on Live Earth tix for London, in the late round I was allocated tickets. So, having changed my NY-London flight to the 6th (it was supposed to be two weeks earlier, but I loved the States so I wanted more time there), I arrived in the country less than 24 hours before the concert.

It was 8pm on the 6th when I arrived at Heathrow, expecting the worst from immigration. I'd heard horror stories of suspicious-looking characters such as myself being detained and questioned for up to half an hour before (sometimes) being let into the country. Expecting the worst, I presented my passport:

"What's the purpose of your visit?"
"Travel."
"When are you leaving?"
"September."
"In you go then."

It's times like those when I regret not buying a "THAT WAS EASY" button from Staples while I was in the US.

So, off to bed (thanks Oli and Kaisa) and up again next day for Live Earth. Our seats were good, but I wanted more. I wanted to be down amongst it in general admission. So I hatched a cunning plan to deceive the field marshalls, involving costume changes, hiding in tunnels and general double-crossing. I executed my plan down to a tee, twice.

Later in the day, Oli just strolled in, without any such shennanigans. I maintain that it was worthwhile.

So, on the field, and we're soaking up a bit of Bloc Party, some Chilli Peppers, some Damien Rice, all of the Pussycat Dolls, and of course Madonna. Standing beside us (us, by now, refers to our expanded party of four, with the addition of Nads and Eleni) are a lovely Mexican couple. Now, I'm all for sharing the love, and by all means go for a bit of the old PDA. They did. Good on them. But things started to get a bit hot and heavy, and, I'll be honest, to the point of being uncomfortable for the unsuspecting bystander. But I kept quiet.

Nads did not. She'd noticed that there was a little bit more than heavy petting going on, and it was time to step in. Which she did. When MexicanMan approached to 'calm' her. Ew.

It's time to go: Mexicans. They didn't.

The rest of the concert was good fun all the same. The whole thing was a little disjointed - although a definite highlight was a video which consisted mostly of a shopkeeper and an elderly woman slapping one another.

Excuse me now while I save the planet.