What Shall We Do With the Drunken Sailor?

Anascaul and Killarney, County Kerry

Republic of Ireland

Captain's Log
Stardate: 31.07.2007

Our party happened upon a town in between Galway and Killarney, known by locals and visitors alike as Anascaul. Now, Anascaul is famous for two things. Actually, to say that Anascaul is famous for anything is a bit of a stretch. But if it were famous, it would be famous for the fact that, in a region of only 600 people, the main (and only) street of Anascaul boasts six pubs. It might also be famous for its bright green pub, The Randy Leprechaun.

Having dropped in - all the way from Australia, mind - at local boy Paul's 21st to wish him a happy birthday, our 6-pub voyage continued up the road. Here, I met Billy - a fisherman from Belfast. Billy was drunk; this was immediately apparent. He had travelled to the South, so far as I could tell, to see how shite it was.

"See, the South is pretty much a Third World country, like. It's just shit. I love Australia though - it's great. Southern Ireland is just a joke."

I was curious. Why, then, was he here?

"Likeforexample," he slurred. "They don't even have air conditioning."

My house doesn't have aircon. Is my house a Third World country?

"No-but, they're just backwards is all. It's shit. It's honestly shit. They just settle for whatever."

I wasn't in the mood to argue with an incoherent man, and honestly I really wanted him to walk away so I could go back to my conversation. So I changed the subject and told him that my dad invented Vegemite Pop-Tarts. He thought this was great at first, but then he rounded on me.

"Mate. Don'be a wise-arse. That won' wash here, mate. Keep that up and I'll crack you in the face. I mean it. Serioushly, d'yawanme to punch your face in?"

"Go away," I thought.

But again, in no mood to mess with a large, drunk, Northern Irish man with a chip on his shoulder, I apologised, made my excuses, and left the pub.

I later saw Billy sitting alone in another watering-hole. He looked lonely, and I almost wanted to go and say hi. But that would have been stupid, so I didn't. Later, I saw him slumped, asleep, over the bar.